When I was fifteen my mom, my sister and I went on a winter vacation for two weeks. We traveled to Krynica Zdrój. I loved this city, there was plenty of snow, mineral water spring I would drink in special ceramic cup. City where Jan Kiepura, a Jewish-polish world famous tenor built a big villa before the WWII. When after two weeks we came back to Warsaw, we got to our apartment building, went upstairs on the third floor. My mom turn the key of the entrance door, opened it and we saw an empty apartment. The stylish furniture was gone, all the silverware, all the books, music, my tape recorder ( at that time it was a luxury to have a tape recorder and mine was Sony, I got it as a present from a polish pianist, also a professor at the academy of music in Warsaw and the judge at the Chopin Competition Regina Smedzianka). My father emptied the apartment, filed for divorce and traveled to England for three months. He left my old bed, a ripped sofa, my piano (I was learning at the music high school at that time with the major piano). I remember looking at the apartment from the entrance door and not feeling and thinking anything whatsoever. I froze. My mom didn’t say a word. My mom and my sister (she was six years older than me) never talked to me about that day, how I felt about my father leaving and how I felt seeing the apartment emptied. Talking, asking about feelings was not accepted when I was growing up. Instead there was silence. Silence could mean anger, sadness, disappointment and many more. Judgment, sarcasm and criticism were often expressed. People suffering of CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) are using judgment, sarcasm and criticism as defense mechanism. I realize that I was in a state of shock but because no one helped me recognize my feelings, no one even helped me describe what just had happened, that my father abandoned me, he stole my things and abandoned me, he left me without saying a word, without explaining his reasons. Nothing. Just like this. Left. I was not his daughter anymore.
Joanna
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